(A Short Story & Diary Entry circumnavigating Romantic Fiction)
J.D.'s love life is driving me nuts at the moment.
He joined a couple of online dating sites a few months ago in his ongoing (and thus far, fruitless) pursuit of finding 'The One,' and his inbox has been deluged with wanton females making irregular requests upon his person and his bank balance. He's spent a fortune on flowers and chocolates in recent weeks, and has taken a few ladies (major eye-roll) out to dinner in various venues ranging from the extremely upmarket Le Cafe de Michel Roux to the local Frankie and Benny's.
Take Wanda, for example: a cross-eyed redhead from South Portland who was some kind of fashion designer or something. I arrived at this conclusion after reading one email she sent to J.D. where she expressed a desire about 'makin gloves' with him in every room in the house. She sounded extremely forward and unrealistic in her expectations if you ask me; I know for an absolute fact that J.D. has no idea how to make gloves or any other item of apparel. He doesn't even own a sewing kit to my knowledge.
Lola from Vermont was even worse. She stood a foot taller than him at 7' 4", and kept using his baseball cap as an ashtray. After only one game of ten pin bowling and two buckets of popcorn, she actually moved herself in! Neither she nor J.D. left the bedroom for nearly three days. I was surviving on boxes of dried Hunky Chunks and anything I could get my paws on, while they had Domino's Pizza on speed dial, and J.D. was using his inhaler more than usual. Lola just had to go. I think peeing in her holdall when she was in the shower finally did the trick. She started yelling a lot and called J.D. a few names I can't mention that rhymed with stick. Go figure and bye bye Lola.
Anyway, when my wonderful owner and myself were finally on our own, I suggested that maybe we should take a little trip: a long-overdue vacation to somewhere really nice to do some 'Guys Only' stuff for a change.
He agreed: Aspen, Colorado here we come! Whoopeeeeeee.
I have, of course, as his dutiful companion and confidante, already packed the essentials we shall need:
2 x large bottles of Jack Daniels
24 x bottles of Bud
A couple of Laplander hats
Some extra-thick socks
An assortment of thermal undies
Fluffy penguin slippers (mine)
2 x hip flasks filled with Creme De Menthe and Diet Sprite
14 x bumper bags of marshmallows
12 x Hershey bars
1 x small set of travel chequers
My new Nintendo 3DS
One dozen emergency flares (Air/Sea Rescue variety, not 70s-style jeans)
2 x Teddy bears (both his)
24 x packets of dry roasted peanuts
The new iPod
2 x pairs Ray Ban shades
4 x large boxes Band Aids
36 x rolls of quilted toilet paper
2 x large bottles Peptobismol
1 x wholesale carton Peppermint Tic Tacs
Listerine
Diarrhea pills
Hair dryer
1 x Sun Screen (Factor 120)
Bed Socks
Incontinence pads
This should take care of everything. J.D. can sort the less important items such as the skis and passports out later.
He is an absolute diamond, I know, but has a lot to learn about women. As a trainee canine gigilo of some worth, I will utilize our time together to educate him regarding the mind games, stealth, cunning and minor violence employed by some females in pursuit of a 3-tier wedding cake dressed in stay-pressed chinos and an Armani watch. I reckon a double Calzone blow out and a few root beers will help him see the error of his ways.
Postcards on request.
2 comments:
Fabio, once again your on the scene account of various goings-on is riveting.
I cant wait for the next post to see the continuing saga unfold before us.
@TheCyberati
Fabio, you're such a character. My mum loves your blogs. Maybe J.D. should try further afield? @TillyTumTum
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